I’d rather take the Pain than live Life without Real Joy and Love within

I thought a happy life meant living without pain and problems. I thought it was about protecting yourself from potential heartaches. You see, wounds are scary. They can traumatize you and lead you to misery. It’s not good. Period. This was my mindset before, and because I was full of fear within, the pain became my number one enemy. I tried to live life protecting myself from the things that could possibly break me in the end. I was like a tiny house built on a very weak foundation. My roof was made of leaves, my windows were wide open because of the wounds, and I don’t have any doors at all. I knew I was a very fragile person, and that’s why I built huge walls. I tried to hide myself away from the people or things that would just take advantage of my weaknesses.

At first, it feels so liberating. Imagine, no one can really see the real me, and it feels like I can control what’s happening in my life. I just have limited interactions. People can’t easily give their opinions, and I only have civil relationships with them. Meaning to say, I don’t spend too much time talking with others and really knowing them. And because of that, I can only hear a few hurtful words. No strings attached. No emotions are involved. And that, for me, became my temporary pleasure. I once thought that this was the best way for me to be happy.

Live life on my own.

Continue to build my high walls.

And take the path without trusting anyone else because they might see who I truly am.

These are my ways of protecting myself. I never allowed someone to easily enter. I always give boundaries and set some limits.

All along, I thought that doing these things would lead me to the happiness that I was looking for. But as I continued to live with that kind of lifestyle, I felt so alone along the way. Outside, I was a strong and very independent person. But on the inside, I was crying on my own. I was shouting for some help. I want to be deeply connected. I felt like I don’t belong. I felt like I was in a cage and tightly wrapped in fear. I was in the darkness – hiding away from the world that once broke my heart. I did what I can do to stop the pain.

I made every effort to keep everything in secret – what I felt, the things that were going on in my mind, the dreams that I truly wanted inside. I actually don’t want to make people feel very far from me, but the fear inside wants to reign. It seems like every time I try to put my walls down, I also remember those times when the wounds are still so deep and fresh. It’s like living a life without freedom. I’m always on guard, so vigilant to the point that I can no longer listen to what my heart truly feels. My mind was so focused on protecting my wounds to the point that I could no longer determine who I truly am. I chose to hide my emotions and allowed fear to reign.

Then Jesus entered the scene. He showed me what true love is. I remember a dream before when I just saw Him covered with blood and very deep wounds. He was carrying the cross and looking intently at my soul. I gazed upon Him. I was crying so hard. I wanted to embrace and comfort Him. I wanted to hug Him so tight, but I couldn’t because His body was covered with wounds to the point that even an embrace became so painful. That dream made me realize that love sometimes takes pain. And I never knew what His love meant not until I saw His sacrifices for me. I know I am not worthy. But still, Jesus loved me even through the pain. He chose to save me even if it took suffering.

And that was the will of God. It’s His decision to send Jesus here on earth. Seeing His only begotten Son on the cross is undeniably heartbreaking. He knew that it hurts, but still, He chose you and me. Our Heavenly Father still loves us despite the pain. He never built some walls. He never built boundaries. Instead, He sent Jesus so that we can spend eternity with Him. God didn’t focus on the pain. He chose to love and long for us to come back to Him. What Jesus did open my eyes. There may be pain in love, but it’s always better than living this life without learning how to trust.

This world is so broken. That’s why Jesus needs to do something to save every human being. And because of what He did, He simply encouraged me to step outside my fear and choose to love again. His perfect love gave me the assurance that pain may exist, but He will remain faithful until the end. He gave me the strength to believe again and show to the world that true happiness exists when you choose love over pain.

I am still in the process of breaking the walls I built. It wasn’t easy. It felt uncomfortable at first, but as I slowly became vulnerable to the right people, that’s when I started to hear the longing of my heart again. That’s when I learned to listen to the child in me who experienced so many painful moments. That’s when I started to heal.

I thank God for giving me the chance to experience this wonderful life. I now stopped protecting myself. Instead, I allowed God to do that job for me. I just let His love wash all my pain away. And every time fear creeps in, I learn to call upon His Name and ask for help. Pain is still there, but this time around, I intentionally choose to love and allow myself to trust again. I know that unexpected things will happen, but I slowly learned to respect God’s sovereignty and allowed Him to reign.

By the grace of God, I’ll continue to love despite the pain because it’s how I can experience real joy within.

Love is always worth the pain.